cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD