I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Saturday
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.