Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]