I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.