*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Message from the dog groomers
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!