I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
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Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
He just like my cat fr
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.