whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Order here:
More here:
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!