I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
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An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.