awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
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“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Tuesday
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer