Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
A short story about romance.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Perfect
This meal prepping shit easy
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.