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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I don’t get marriage
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
God, I love Scotland
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.