Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.