*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…