judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
You Might Also Like
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know