me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.