ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.