adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.