*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
getting corrected
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.