God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”