I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology