You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Is your wife single?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.