“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Tony Hawk, age 6
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops