Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Happy Febuary everyone!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?