[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Check your privilege
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”