Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
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I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.