I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”