Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it鈥檚 the one i was born on
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The first rule of Swim Club is don鈥檛 talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don鈥檛 know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I鈥檓 actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I鈥檓 getting work done
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If you stand in the rain, you鈥檒l grow quicker.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I don鈥檛 like atheism. I鈥檝e worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there鈥檚 nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee鈥檚. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]