Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
where the womens at?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.