[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
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*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
this isn’t threatening at all
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?