Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
courtroom exchange of the day
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her