home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.