My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.