Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.