3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”