[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!