new shirt idea
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calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible