[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
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Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
This made me chuckle.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I have so many questions.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.