I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*