Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Can’t. Being lazy.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.