michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
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Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Oh we’ve met.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??