Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
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I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Watson was Holmes schooled
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur