triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.