me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.