Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
When I laugh on my period
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*