My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
There is wisdom there.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes