Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You Might Also Like
Ate a healthy dinner, so Iâm having pringles for dessert.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, âteaching elementary school math.â
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I donât know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
an article: âyoung peopleâ
me (hasnât been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
anytime I meet someone who doesnât like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless youâre a holiday
Truth. đđđŽâđ¨
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually Iâm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesnât remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the thirdâŚ
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.