Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*