[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.