If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me too 😆
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub