Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
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“Sheer Arrogance”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
There is wisdom there.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Goodnight 🐶
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.